...And I like to think I've done some of that over two years since my graduation. I've learned the value of a job...what it means to work hard for pennies. I grasp the price of owning something important, and the cost involved with keeping it. I have a much better understanding of the power and limitation of love, and what it will do for me in the short and long runs. I know now what kinds of people to loan my time, money and effort to, and which ones to watch die. But mostly, I know myself a little better, and I feel like I know what I can do...and what I need to and truly want to do better than I ever did.

I'm worried and scared. I'm not going to lie. It's a HUGE world out there, and there's more pitfalls than help in this place. Nobody wants to help someone who can't get up, and so few do. It's saddening, but that's the true essence of what people are. Self-righteous, self-sustaining and (not all the way...but more and more) uncaring about the plight and pain of their fellow man. In these two years and a couple months, I've watched my family actually come together a bit. My sister finally came around and got away from a bad relationship, and I did the same. Mom and dad are getting along...if not well, at least better than they were for a long time there. We're hurting like hell for money, but that should change.

I watched my love's family...deteriorate. Steadily...predictably at times. It's hard to watch, knowing that was what I was looking at just a few short years before. No escape, no future. Just the pain of today and knowing tomorrow is going to be worse. But I can't change the players. I can't change liars and manipulators into decent people...and I can't change victims into warriors. It's not my place. It hasn't been for a long time...but it may be my time again someday. Who knows. Family counseling doesn't seem like it would be too terrible.

I watched, in glimpses and snapshot moments, a good friend fall into a war that she'll probably die losing. It's hard, because I want to help. But she already owes me and I'm wondering if I'll see any return. I don't care if I do or not...but I wonder if she even cares about it, or if her...issue has drawn her too far in. More than wonder...I worry for her life every time I think about her. I haven't heard anything in weeks...except one blip not too long ago...and she's gone again. I don't know if there's anything I can do...but say I miss her and that I hope she gets back onto the path of self-sustaining freedom that life is meant (I think) to be...rather than slavery to something she'll never be able to walk away from entirely.

I watched my other family, that is to say my close friends from school, slowly go their own ways. It's tragic, but empowering in ways, too. We've managed, mostly, to keep talking and not to lose each other entirely, but it's been rough just keeping our shit together in our own lives enough to be social with our pasts. It's hard as fuck out of high school, and we're all seeing that. But I still think that they believe the difficulty is worth the rewards...the ability to say that they accomplished something great. That they did what others might not have in their line. That they are going to be somebody someday. That they...but I can't speak for them. They should have that right themselves.

I watched the world change hands. A new president, with new lies and a new way to slowly decay our great nation. We're losing everything to the things that our past leaderS have done, and we're gaining so little back that we're dying. It's a slowly spreading cancer in my mind...something we could probably treat and stymie for a little while...but would eventually still force us into submission. But why are we accelerating it rather than trying to make it stop? It's not my place to scream for answers...I'm just one bottom-feeder trying to make my life as comfortable as I can with the precious little I do have. Someone with power and prominence should be screaming these things from the rooftops. But they're NOT! The ones with the power are more than happy to move their businesses overseas for the cheaper labour costs. They're more than happy to raise prices on goods it's costing them less. LESS TO MAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I don't understand.

I've watched a lot happen. Yet...I feel I've done so little personally. I've wasted two whole years watching. Wondering. Worrying. Thinking. Seething. Trying to understand. But I think I've got it for once. There's too much to do. There's too much that nobody else wants to see. That nobody else wants to know. I do, though. I want to see the pain of this world boiled down into a single heartbeat. I want to see this administration worldwide deal with the plight of those locked in the worst battles of all...personal struggles with drugs and disease of the body and of the mind. I want to be a part of something bigger. I want to...but I'm just one bottom-feeder. No money, no respect. No name to stand on. I'm just a person...seeing things. Wishing on burnt-out stars.